Story 89: Reza Shadey and the Purr-fect Power-Up
Okay, snuggle down tight, little ones. Let me tell you a tale about a very clever cat, a very confused billionaire, and a plan so silly that it somehow, miraculously, worked.
It all began on a Tuesday, when Reza Shadey, inventor of semi-functional things and master of magnificent misunderstandings, was peering at Mrs Higgins's laptop. An article was open, titled: "The Future is Now: Inductively Powered Intelligent Charging".
Reza's magnificent brain, which always took the most interesting path to the wrong conclusion, immediately understood. "Of course!" he whispered, his tail twitching with the force of his genius. "It's so simple! They use the natural brilliance of cats — our purrs, our static energy, our sheer magnetism — to power cars. It's genius!" He conveniently ignored the complicated diagrams and long words, focusing only on the bits that confirmed his own brilliance.
Within the hour, the garden was a hive of activity. Reza had announced the launch of his new venture: Purr-to-Power™, a revolutionary start-up. "It will revolutionise everything about standing still", he declared to Tiger, who was busy helping. Tiger's job was to create traffic cones. He had found a stash of old sardine tins and was stacking them into wobbly, slightly fishy-smelling towers that kept toppling over with a gentle clatter.
Reza gathered his team. "Penelope", he commanded, pointing a regal paw at the fluffy white cat, "you are Chief Vibrational Officer. Your purr must be perfectly tuned for optimal energy transfer." Penelope blinked her wise, gentle eyes. "Sorry, Rezzi", she purred, "I'm not sure my purr has a volume knob."
Reza waved a dismissive paw. "Details! Ginger Tom, you are our Thermal Output Specialist. Your job is to nap in the sun and become as warm as possible. And Tiger, you shall be our Kinetic Energy Generator. Bounce enthusiastically to build up static!"
Soon, the grand summit began. Reza stood atop a podium made from two of Mrs Higgins's yoga blocks, a banner made from an old tea towel hanging behind him. He'd painted parking bays on the lawn with flour. "Prepare yourselves for the future of feline-powered infrastructure!" Reza announced to the small crowd of cats. His keynote speech was magnificent, mostly because he'd copied it. "A business must have an enduring team culture", he said wisely. "Heh heh", he thought, "that human engineer in London, the one who also calls himself Reza Shadey, writes such inspiring things on LinkedIn. He has actual qualifications. He'll never notice."
He continued, puffing out his chest. "As you all know, I am inductively brilliant. The age of passive parking is over. This is active lying down!"
It was at that moment that a car appeared. A sleek, silent, futuristic-looking car that hummed quietly before gliding to a complete stop by the kerb. The door opened and out stepped a man, looking rather stressed.
The man looked at the sign. "Purr-to-Power™", he read aloud, a look of utter bewilderment on his face. He ran a hand through his hair. "Well, my battery is completely flat. I'm stuck. We might as well see what this is all about." The man, by the most incredible coincidence in the history of the world, was none other than Elon Musk.
Reza saw his chance. A real car! A customer! "Sir!" he meowed with great authority (which sounded, to the human, like a friendly greeting). He gestured with his tail to the premier parking bay. "Assume the oscillatory position!" he commanded his feline workforce.
The cats, eager to see what would happen, all trotted to their painted squares and lay down. They began to purr. Ginger Tom's purr was a low rumble. Penelope's was a gentle hum. And Tiger, trying his hardest, began to vibrate with a soft, buzzing energy.
Elon Musk watched, amused. "Alright", he chuckled, getting back into his car. "Let's give it one last try." He pressed the ignition button. For a moment, nothing happened. Then, a single light on the dashboard flickered. Then another. The car's advanced ambient energy-harvesting system, designed to pull tiny amounts of charge from the air, had detected the faintest vibration and thermal energy from the purring cats. It was just enough. With a soft whir, the car's systems came to life.
The famous inventor stared at his dashboard, then at the purring cats, then back at his dashboard. It was impossible. It defied every law of physics he had ever learned. But it had worked. "How...?" he whispered, utterly baffled.
Reza the cat, however, was not baffled at all. He puffed out his chest and took a triumphant bow. His ridiculous theory had been proven correct! He was a genius! The other cats stared in shock. For once, one of Reza's plans had actually worked!
Elon Musk drove away slowly, his mind reeling. Later that day, from his office, he sent a cryptic email to a colleague: "You won't believe what I saw today. I think I need to fundamentally rethink our entire approach to inductive charging."
Back in the garden, Reza was accepting tributes of biscuits and tuna from the astonished garden animals. For the first time ever, one of his schemes had succeeded. It was a complete and utter catastrophe for the laws of science, but a magnificent triumph for Purr-to-Power™. "Now", he thought, licking a crumb from his whisker, "about that merger with Tesla..."
A very important message from Mrs Higgins: It's very funny when cats lie down on the lawn, but remember that driveways and car parks are for cars, not for playing or napping! Always stay safe around vehicles.
Night night. Sleep tight.