Story 77: Reza Shadey and the Case of the Optimised Breakfast
Okay, snuggle down tight, little ones. Tonight's tale is about our very clever, very particular cat, Reza Shadey, who decided that the world, and especially his breakfast, needed a serious upgrade in efficiency!
Reza Shadey, with his dark, sleek fur and intelligent green eyes, often watched the world with a critical gaze. He wasn't just a cat; he was, in his own mind, a master strategist, an engineer of comfort, and a connoisseur of fine food. And lately, after watching a human on the telly talk about "life hacks" and "optimisation", he'd noticed something terribly inefficient.
"The human", thought Reza, observing Mrs Higgins bustling about in the mornings, "moves with such... randomness! Wasted steps, unnecessary reaching, and far too much time between the cupboard and my bowl. This is unacceptable. My breakfast production line requires optimisation!"
So, Reza, the self-proclaimed Efficiency Expert, began his first project: Breakfast Optimisation. He decided to implement a "strategic demand" system. When Mrs Higgins's alarm clock went off, Reza would unleash a series of perfectly timed meows. First, a soft, polite "Mrow?" to initiate the process. Then, a slightly louder "MEOW!" to indicate Phase One: Wake-up Complete. Finally, a booming, insistent "MRAAAOW!" right by her ear for Phase Two: Immediate Kitchen Deployment.
Mrs Higgins, still groggy, found herself startled awake each morning by this feline alarm. "Oh, Reza! My goodness, you're certainly eager today!" she'd say, stumbling towards the kitchen. But Reza wasn't done. He'd then position himself directly in her path, forcing her to step over him — a clear "path optimisation" technique. He'd even sit pointedly by the treat cupboard, giving it intense, unblinking stares, as if his sheer will could telekinetically open it.
"See?" he purred to himself after she finally poured his biscuits. "Streamlined. Minimal human effort, maximum feline reward. Pure genius."
Next on Reza's efficiency agenda was playtime. He observed Penelope and Ginger Tom chasing butterflies and rolling in the grass with a look of stern disapproval. "Utter chaos!" he muttered. "No clear objectives, no measurable outcomes!"
Reza decided to introduce "structured play". When Penelope tried to pounce on a wiggling worm, Reza would interrupt with a sharp "Hmph! Penelope, your pounce trajectory is off by precisely 3.7 degrees! Recalibrate!" When Ginger Tom settled down for a spontaneous nap in a sunbeam, Reza would bat his tail. "Tom! Napping is unscheduled! Our current 'Key Performance Indicator' is 'Active Mouse Surveillance'! Get up!"
Penelope just blinked slowly at Reza, then went back to watching the worm, only now she made sure to pounce exactly 3.7 degrees off his suggested angle, just to annoy him. Ginger Tom, meanwhile, merely sighed deeply and rolled onto his other side, burrowing deeper into the warm grass. Reza huffed. "Inefficient! Utterly inefficient!"
One afternoon, Mrs Higgins was trying to read a book in the garden. Reza decided this was the perfect opportunity for "Cuddle Optimisation". He observed her, noting the optimal moments for a lap-jump (when she turned a page) and the precise angle for maximum ear-scratches. He timed his approach perfectly, leaping onto her lap just as she was about to turn the page, purring at maximum volume. "PURRRR-MMMM!"
Mrs Higgins smiled, giving him a stroke. "Oh, Reza, you're so sweet!"
"A highly efficient data input, generating optimal output", he thought, as she continued to stroke his fur. But then, she put her book down and simply held him, rocking him gently. This was unplanned, un-optimised affection. Reza squirmed. It was... nice. But it wasn't on the schedule!
Later that day, Tiger, the playful tabby kitten, came bounding into the garden, chasing a dandelion puff. He darted between Reza's legs, zipped around Penelope, and playfully swatted at Ginger Tom's tail, waking him up. It was pure, joyful, unadulterated chaos.
Reza opened his mouth to give Tiger a lecture on "structured play initiatives", but before he could, Tiger accidentally bumped a garden gnome, sending it wobbling. To steady it, Tiger instinctively grabbed a nearby garden hose. Unfortunately, the hose was connected to a sprinkler, and Tiger's tug activated it, sending a jet of cold water right over Reza!
"HISSS! AARRGH! UN-OPIIMISED WETNESS!" cried Reza, leaping into the air, fur standing on end. He landed with a splash in a muddy puddle.
Mrs Higgins rushed over, trying not to laugh. "Oh, Reza, what happened?"
Penelope and Ginger Tom, who had been enjoying the spontaneous chaos of Tiger's play, exchanged amused glances. Ginger Tom let out a rumbling chuckle. "Well, what do you know? Looks like the 'Efficiency Expert' got inefficiently soaked!"
Penelope, ever the gentle one, nudged Ginger Tom. "Don't be such a Reza Shadey!" she purred, referring to Reza's often self-inflicted predicaments. She then began to carefully groom a stray leaf off Reza's damp fur.
Reza spluttered, shaking himself vigorously, showering everyone (including himself) with more muddy water. He looked at his un-optimised fur, his un-optimised friends, and the general un-optimised joy of the garden. Perhaps... perhaps not everything needed a strategic plan. Perhaps a little chaos, a little spontaneity, was actually... efficient for happiness.
"Perhaps", he decided, shaking one last paw, "the optimal state of being is simply... getting spontaneously soaked, as it leads to unexpected grooming from others. This saves me valuable energy. A new, more chaotic efficiency model is required! Fascinating!" He then sauntered off to find a sunny spot, not on his schedule, but simply because it felt optimally warm.
Night night. Sleep tight.