Story 67: Reza Shadey and the Tuna Titan
Once upon a time, not long after the Great Ghost Mouse Fiasco, Shah Fluffybutt, a cat of magnificent fluff and even more magnificent grudges, had a problem. He was angry. The memory of Reza Shadey's "Ghostly Go-Away Service" still made his whiskers twitch with fury.
"Enough!" Shah Fluffybutt declared to his reflection in a puddle. "That cheeky cat will learn that a fluffybutt scorned is a fluffybutt with a fiendishly clever plan!"
His plan was as cunning as a fox in a chicken coop. He would create a fake company to trick Reza. He'd overheard his human watching the telly and learned some very important-sounding words.
He lurked in the shadows of the alleyway, watching Mrs Higgins's garden. He saw elegant Penelope, sleepy Ginger Tom, and bouncy Tiger. "Aha", he purred. "The minions. They will be my messengers."
He waited until they were together, then sauntered out, looking tremendously important. "Greetings, cats of this parish", he announced. "I am Shah Fluffybutt, a captain of industry from a very posh neighbourhood far away. I have a business proposition of immense tuna potential for your friend, the famous Reza Shadey, who will be on TV!"
The three cats, thrilled by the visit of such an important-stranger-cat (and the mention of tuna), rushed to tell Reza. Penelope explained the "business proposition". Ginger Tom explained the "tuna potential". And Tiger just bounced and said "Telly! Telly! Telly!".
Reza Shadey, of course, was not surprised. "My fame has spread to other postcodes! Naturally! Arrange the meeting at once!" he commanded.
So, a meeting was arranged behind the compost bin. Reza arrived, preening. "Ah, Fluffybutt. My staff tell me you have an important proposition for me. Do proceed."
Shah Fluffybutt smiled his slyest smile. "Indeed, Reza. My company, Tuna Titan Inc., has built a machine that makes unlimited tuna! We need a star... a charismatic face... to present it on a telly show!"
Reza's eyes lit up at "star", "telly", and "unlimited tuna". "Fame! Fortune! Fish! I'm in!" he thought, puffing out his chest.
The day arrived. The show was called "The Lion's Lair". Reza strutted onto the stage, looking tremendously important. Shah Fluffybutt hid behind the curtain, clutching a TV remote. Reza began. "Greetings, mighty Lions! I present... The Tuna Titan! It uses... cat-onomics and purr-sistent data to make... well, tons of tuna!" He gestured grandly at a blank screen. Shah Fluffybutt secretly pressed a button on the remote. A picture of a rubber duck appeared on the screen with a loud QUACK!
A human "Lion" with big glasses frowned. "Mr Shadey... how does it work? And why is there a duck on the screen?"
Reza didn't miss a beat. "An excellent question! The duck is for... aquatic marketing! The machine works with... positive thinking! And a bit of string! Now, for just one million Dreamies, you can own ten per cent of all the tuna in the world!"
The Lions stared. Then they chuckled. Then they roared with laughter. It wasn't the impressed laughter Reza was used to. It was the kind of laughter that says, "You're the silliest cat we've ever seen".
Reza's magnificent fur drooped. His whiskers wilted. "They're laughing... at ME? The Tuna Titan? But I'm on telly!" One by one, the Lions said, "I'm out!", still wiping tears of laughter from their eyes.
As they were shuffled off the stage, Shah Fluffybutt patted Reza's shoulder. "Don't worry, Reza. You were the most confident cat they'd ever seen. My plan worked perfectly!"
Reza just stared blankly ahead, muttering, "Confident, yes... but where is my mountain of tuna?!"
Shah Fluffybutt just purred. Revenge, it turned out, was even tastier than salmon.
Night night. Sleep tight.