Story 103: Reza Shadey, the Accidental Reality Star
Settle in, little ones. This is the shocking tale of how Reza Shadey, self-appointed legend of Catford, almost became a national television icon... by complete accident.
It began the morning after the Downing Street debacle, where Reza's attempt to "unmask" Larry the Cat as a spy had ended in a humiliating BAP! on the nose. Mrs Higgins was still fanning herself with a copy of the 'Catford Chronicle Crier', utterly mortified. Reza, naturally, was parading around the kitchen, convinced his "tactical stress test" of Number 10 security had been a roaring success.
Then came the knock at the door. A man with an overconfident grin and slightly-too-shiny shoes stood on the doorstep. Behind him hovered a camera operator who looked like she hadn't slept in a week.
"Good morning!" the man boomed, thrusting a microphone forward. "Nigel Partridge-Luxford, Channel 5 journalist and national treasure (still in beta). We were at Downing Street yesterday filming a segment on political pets when we captured... the incident. We're making a documentary about the cat who dared to challenge Larry! May we come in?"
Reza froze, his tail lifting like a royal antenna. A documentary. About him. His magnificent fur bristled with vindication. At last — the recognition he deserved! Mrs Higgins, however, looked horrified. "Oh... oh dear. A documentary? Are you sure?"
"Oh absolutely", Nigel said, striding inside as if he owned the place. "The nation is fascinated by this... this volatile little character. We're exploring the very nature of... performative leadership... in the feline community."
"Volatile?" Reza sniffed, leaping onto his favourite cushion. "I prefer 'visionary'."
The crew set up in the living room. Reza assumed his 'wise philosopher' pose, angled perfectly to catch the morning light. Nigel perched on the edge of his chair, fingers steepled. "So, Reza Shadey... many describe you as... a handful. What do you say to claims of bossiness, big-headedness, and using Dreamies as bribes?"
Reza blinked, purring. "Thank you for listing my core leadership skills." Nigel scribbled "concerning... complete lack of self-awareness" in his notebook.
Next, they interviewed Penelope. "Well", Penelope said gently, "Reza is... confident. Very confident. Incredibly over—" Nigel cut in: "Would you say his leadership style has... trapped you? Emotionally, I mean?" Penelope looked baffled. "A... victim? Oh goodness. I just think he's a bit silly sometimes." "Write that down", Nigel murmured to the camerawoman. "She's clearly in denial."
Ginger Tom was interviewed on the patio. "Nah, Reza's me old china", he mumbled. "Sometime a bit of a Barney, always rabbiting on about tuna or biscuits, but 'e's alright. 'Course, if I don't do what he says, he'll half-inch me supper." Nigel leaned in. "So, a culture of fear? Coercion for snacks? Got it."
Then came Tiger. "I LOVE REZA!" he beamed, bouncing. "He lets me pounce! I was a Kinetic Energy Generator for his Purr-to-Power™ start-up!" Nigel's face lit up. "Exploiting youthful energy for failed schemes? Child labour. This is absolute gold."
Mrs Higgins begged them not to, but the crew insisted on "a 360-degree portrait". So, Nigel interviewed Reza's "foes".
Marmalade, the tabby Reza had "rescued", flinched at the camera. "He 'saved' me! I was watching television! He pulled me through a window! I still get flashbacks when I hear a loud meow!"
Lord Whiskerton spoke via video link: "An imposter! He called himself 'Count Sardinepaws'! Caused an incident in the Royal Sardine Fountain! Utterly unrefined!"
Dr Whiskerton, the psychologist (no relation to the noble lord, for the record), adjusted her glasses. "My notes say the patient shows... extreme, unstoppable narcissism. Honestly, the whole session was a very long lesson in bad behaviour."
Shah Fluffybutt simply looked smug. "His 'Tuna Titan' pitch on 'The Lion's Lair'? A disgrace to feline innovation. He couldn't invest his way out of a wet paper bag."
, the former laundry thief, whispered, "He told me to steal fish! But Mrs Fairweather says 'do good', so I told the fishmonger!"
Sinan the Raccoon, found polishing a bottle cap, just said, "No comment", and scurried away.
Nigel sat opposite Reza once more. "Some people say you're... domineering." Reza purred. "Thank you." "Unpredictable." "Please, you'll make me blush." "Reza, your critics say you're the 'Larry the Cat' of Catford. All image, no action. 'Pictures first, impact last'."
Reza was outraged. "LARRY? That 'welfare dependent' fraud? He just poses! I am an innovator! My impact is enormous! Look at the garden! The gnomes are terrified of me!" Nigel smiled. "So you admit to a culture of fear?" Reza nodded thoughtfully. "I admit to a culture of respect."
A week later, Mrs Higgins and the cats were invited to a private screening. The lights dimmed. The documentary began. It was... horrifying. Sad, slow music played over black-and-white footage of Penelope looking anxious. They'd even added digital rain effects to Ginger Tom's interview. The voice-over boomed: "Reza Shadey: The Cat Who Learned Nothing. A tragic portrait of a leader gone wrong... and the community caught in his paws."
Mrs Higgins covered her mouth. Penelope looked ready to faint. Ginger Tom whispered, "Why was I all wet?" Reza, however, watched with a warm glow of pride. "Look at that", he purred. "A whole film about my influence. My 'unyielding narcissism' was particularly well-lit."
Nigel stood at the front, arms spread. "Well? What do you think?" Mrs Higgins looked furious. "This is awful! You've made Reza look—" "Magnificent?" Reza offered. "Unhinged!" she corrected.
Nigel shrugged. "We simply told the story as we found it. A complex portrait of a troubled figure." Reza frowned. "Troubled? I am not troubled! I am the most untroubled cat alive!" Nigel leaned down, smiling that odd, slightly sweating smile. "Well... that's what makes the documentary so interesting..."
The crew left. Mrs Higgins sighed. The neighbourhood cats huddled, traumatised. And Reza? Reza strutted to his cushion, tail held high. "Finally", he said, "Britain will understand the depth of my greatness." Penelope whispered, "I don't think that's what they'll understand." Reza didn't hear. He was busy practising his acceptance speech for the "Best Cat in a Documentary" award.
Night night. Sleep tight.